I wonder if this happens to other people. You get out of the shower in the morning, shlep over to your dresser, open it and realize you have the underwear of a homeless person. Everything in your drawer looks like you got it off the clearance rack at the local thrift store.
Good underwear shouldn’t be underrated. You walk with a bit of jaunt in your step when you have on good undies. If you’re wearing underwear that has long since given up any elastic properties it’s time to cash it in. Life is better with good underwear. I hadn’t let my underwear go because of poor self esteem, more laziness.
I get my boobs from my dad. To be technical, I got them from his side of the family, he himself is boob free. I can remember my grandmother telling me that I’d been cursed with the McIntosh boobs, which clearly meant by the time I hit 40 I would no longer require a bra and instead could simply tuck them into my pants and belt them down. Society makes it seem like having big boobs would be an ideal, but the reality is that it’s hard to find a good bra that both fits and doesn’t look like it was made in the former East Germany using military grade rubber and buckles. The plucky pink polka dot number at Victoria’s Secret? Yeah. Doesn’t come in your size. Also tops that looks cute on a B-cup will make anyone over a D-cup look like a cheap whore who just got off her shift at Hooters and is headed down to the local street corner.
On the upside, if you’re willing to pay through the nose you can go to a specialty store where you can find both a pretty bra and one that using NASA level engineering can hoist things back into place. It’s like losing ten pounds without having to diet. On the downside this will require you to be felt up by a random stranger who is the fitting specialist. I have the sense that these women have seen everything before.
While I’ll spend money to get the girls back to their original starting position, I draw the line at REALLY expensive panties. This doesn’t mean I limit myself to the five pairs for $20 economy pack at WalMart, but I have my limits. I picked out a pair of matching panties to go with one of my nifty new bras. Basic panty, two leg holes a smattering of lace around the waist. $67. For a panty. I also noted it had to be hand-washed. For $67 I want that panty to do magical things, such as render my ass invisible.
Tell me I’m not cheap. $67 is a lot isn’t it? I haven’t gotten into the stage where I start talking about how cheap candy was when I was a kid and how I had to walk to school for miles, have I?